(This post seems really disjointed to me, so for that, I apologize!)
I got out of the hospital yesterday. It was a great relief due to the fact that this stay was particularly hard on me emotionally and mentally. Since December 15th I have been in the hospital for a total of 59 days. (That's 2 months out of 5, or 8 1/2 weeks out of the last 22, or 59 days out of 155. Bottom line is, it's been a lot.) Being in the hospital is always hard, but to be in so much is taking a big tole on my emotions.
I'm around people all day long - doctors, nurses, nursing aids, physical therapists, physical therapy aids, pulmonary therapists, social workers, food and nutrition workers, dietitians (you get the idea) - but I'm still lonely. These people to a great degree become friends and my "hospital family", but it's just not the same. I miss my husband, who is my best friend. I miss my friends and my family. I miss the support and the love. I talk to people online and in text messages and sometimes even on the phone (I hate talking on the phone, so...). I see Jake and my parents on the weekends. But during the week I just feel alone.
This time was really hard too, because everything seemed so hectic. Because we were trying to get a lot of the evaluation testing for transplant done, it seemed I was always being taken somewhere to do some kind of uncomfortable test. And I know it's only the beginning. There is going to be so much to come with this transplant. I'm just not sure I'm handling it well. Going to do these by myself was hard. Again, I just felt alone while doing something that is literally life changing.
I'd love to say I prayed through each one of them, but honestly, I forgot sometimes. While doing my Echo I prayed because of how uncomfortable it was, and during my CT yesterday morning I prayed because I thought the contrast dye was going to make me throw up (it has had that affect on me, but thankfully, it didn't this time). I wish it was my first response to every situation, but I know a lot of people were praying for me even when I forgot. God carried me through each test and everyday I was at the hospital.
I've learned, lately, that while situations may never change - life will always be hard - He'll give me the strength to get through each day. I'm also learning more all the time that this place is not my home. Every time I'm scared and lonely, I'm reminded that it's because we were not created to be physically apart from the Father. Our real home is with Him and we will never be wholly who He created us to be until we're with Him. I laugh sometimes when I think about the fact that I'm trying to extend my life here on earth while I so desperately want to be in the place we were really meant for. I fully stand by my decision, though. I want to do what I believe God wants me to do, which is to continue to choose life. I'm going to continue to believe, even though I do sometimes have doubts, that He has a purpose for me that I can't imagine or accomplish on my own. I can only accomplish those purposes by staying faithful to His call for my life. After all, our lives are for His glory alone.
Tomorrow, Jake and I are going back to UIHC to do the 6-minute walk I couldn't get in while I was there, and to meet with the transplant pulmonologist, Dr. Klesney-Tait. It will be a long day of traveling, so please pray for safety and that things will go smoothly.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support through all of these challenges.