Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Weary and Feeling Small

I've been feeling really down lately.  Yesterday was especially bad.  I had a low-grade fever and was really tired, so that may explain some of it, but still.  I've been very lonely lately.  Jake is working all the time and for the next couple of months it will get even worse.  I've just felt very alone.  I suddenly feel like I'm 10 again and think "I don't have any friends" and cry.  It's a horrible feeling.  I do have friends and they care about me, but I don't see them very much.  It seems that everybody has their thing(s) to do and I don't fit in to those plans.  It's kids, or work, or errands, or something...always gets in the way.  I spend the days and most of the evenings by myself.  I want to talk to people, to be with people, but something always seems to get in the way.  Either I'm not feeling up to going out or I don't feel that I should call people.  I always think I'll be interrupting them, or inconveniencing them.  I often feel like I'm a burden.

I try hard not to complain about things.  I feel like if I start I'll never stop so I try hard not to ever start.  But the truth is things are really difficult for me.  I have a hard time getting moving most days.  I want to do the laundry, clean the bathroom, clean up the family room...but I'm so tired and the thought of doing something I know will make me cough and exhaust me is just too much most days.  I need help but don't want to ask anyone for it.  Everyone else has the same tasks to do and usually a heck of a lot more.  They have small children to take care of, and jobs to do, and their own homes to tend to.  Nobody has time to take care of their families and mine too.  I need to do it, but just can't find the energy to.   So, things go undone until they absolutely have to be done.  Like when unexpected company is coming in half an hour and I have to fly to get everything cleaned up, all the time not breathing well, and coughing and then collapse when it's finished...usually then putting on the oxygen I should have had on the whole time.

I just feel very alone and don't know what to do about it.  I know the answer lies with Jesus, but I even feel distant from him.  My own doing, I know...he doesn't leave.  But that starts a whole different topic, so I won't get into that right now.  

Until later...

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