Emotions

One of the CFers, Destiny, gave birth to her baby boy today.  They both are doing really well, but this stirred up a lot of emotions in me that I wasn't expecting.

You all probably know that before we got married Jake and I decided to not have children, and to further ensure this I had my tubes tied.  What you may not know are all the reasons why we made this decision.  CFers can have children and Dr. Hornick even called me before I had the surgery to make sure that I knew that this wasn't the only answer.  I assured him that I knew that, though I did appreciate the fact that he called to make sure I wasn't making a decision I didn't really want to make.  Here was(is) my thinking, though.  CF is hard on a body to begin with, and pregnancy is hard on a healthy woman's body, so put the two together and the results have a potential to be bad.  I couldn't stand the idea of having a child and knowing that there was a large possibility that that child would lose their mother at a young age.  I also couldn't stand the idea of leaving Jake to raise a child on his own.  Having it happen without the knowledge beforehand that it might is one thing, but to knowingly go into it with that knowledge...I just couldn't do it.

That surgery was hard on me, but I knew that going into it.  I knew that Jake could have had a vasectomy and it would have been much better for my health.  But there's further thinking into that too.  What if I did die soon into our marriage or after a few years?  I didn't want to take the option away from Jake to have children with the person he would fall in love with after I was gone.  I know they can be reversed, but that's not even a sure thing, so...I made the decision to take care of it myself.  If I had made any other decision about having children or how to prevent having children, they would have been selfish decisions and there is no way I could have done either one any other way.  Now, please don't get me wrong.  These were MY decisions and someone else making these decisions may make them a different way.  That doesn't make them wrong.  For me, though, any other decisions would have been wrong.

Even with all these very logical decisions, which were well thought out, the decisions and the surgery didn't take away a desire to have children.  I wish that they did.  It would certainly make things a lot easier.  There have been at least 2 times since we've been married that I thought I was pregnant despite the tubal.  I was thrilled and terrified both times...I'm sure very normal reactions.  Both times I would get so excited at the thought and then be crushed when it wasn't true.  I feel a little silly even telling people that, because, duh, right?...I had a tubal.  But there is always a small chance of getting pregnant after getting a tubal, and if you know anything about me, you know that I've pretty  much crushed every statistic and expectation my entire life...so it wasn't such a crazy thought.

So, when I knew Destiny was going into surgery to have her baby, there was this flood of emotions.  Thinking of what I may have missed out on because of my decisions, how hard it must be to not have a lot of support when you have a baby and have CF.  And then, Amanda, told me a few things that brought even more.  Destiny told Amanda that she had written a note to Dr. Hornick that she wanted given to him if anything were to happen to her during the C-section.  Basically, telling him how grateful she was for his care and support and everything he'd done for her while in his care.  It made me cry, knowing that this wonderful moment in a woman's life would have to be filled with worry and wonder over what would happen, and even expecting that something might.  I hated knowing she was thinking about that...but what else can you think when you're in our position?  Every flu, cold, sinus infection...everything that comes up can be the beginning of the end.  I've seen it happen, and heard numerous stories of how the smallest thing started the ball rolling.  What must she have been thinking about leaving her baby behind?  To not be there when he starts to walk and talk, and go shool, and get married.  I think, she must have been peaceful in a lot of ways, because Amanda said Destiny was comforting HER.  Thankfully, nothing did happen.  And even more than that, there are some serious miracles going on.  They had planned on her having the c-section on the 17th, but she was feeling so good that she said she wanted to wait 2 more weeks to give him more time.  (But she did NOT want him to be born on Halloween :-P)  He was born at 29 weeks and was breathing fully on his own!  No one was expecting that.  Destiny is doing well and I hope to hear more about her recovery from surgery while I'm here.

The good thing for me today, was that with all my doubting of the decisions I've made in my life, I feel like I got confirmation today that this one was the right one.  The reasons I had for not having children are the same worries Destiny must have had.  I'm very thankful that I won't have to have those worries.  Granted, God can still make another miracle happen in my life.  He can bypass a tubal, and I know that...He is so much bigger than that.  But I also know that I will never have to wonder if I made a mistake by not having one.  And I know that if I do become pregnant that it is not by some mistake I made (which I guarantee you I would think, because I constantly worry about who I hurt) but because God really wanted this for Jake and me.  I find a lot of peace in that.

As a side note, Destiny named her baby boy Brandon Douglas.  Douglas is after Dr. Douglas Hornick.  If there is any doubt what we think of our doctor and how amazing he is, there is some proof for ya.